i'm sorry

you're so boring, i'm so bored

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 13:19:14 GMT

after 20 years of what was essentially repression i've decided that i'm totally up for being a massive queer. i have no job and no worries and i love my life. fuck it all.

fantasy festival meme

Fri, 22 Sep 2006 01:48:50 GMT

i totally cheated by expanding it to two days, but whatevs.

Name 4 bands/artists to play at your dream festival. The first act plays 5 songs, 2nd act plays 5 songs, 3rd act plays 7 songs, 4th act plays 12 songs.

DAY ONE

Act I: Smashing Pumpkins [in 1996]
Today
Bodies
Muzzle
Bullet With Butterfly Wings
Tonight, Tonight

Act II: The Smiths
Bigmouth Strikes Again
Hand In Glove
Pretty Girls Make Graves
Cemetry Gates
Panic

Act III: ...And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead [in 2005]
Ode To Isis (doesn’t really count as it’s instrumental and only about a minute long!)
Another Morning Stoner
Claire de Lune
Mistakes and Regrets
Heart In the Hand Of The Matter
Worlds Apart
Caterwaul
--------------
Totally Natural

Act IV: Manic Street Preachers [in 1995]
Yes
Little Baby Nothing
Sleepflower
4st7lb
Ifwhiteamericatoldthetruthforonedayitsworldwouldfallapart
From Despair to Where
Life Becoming A Landslide
Revol
Stay Beautiful
You Love Us
--------------
La Tristesse Durera (Scream To A Sigh)
Faster

DAY TWO

Act I: Patrick Wolf [in 2005]
The Childcatcher
Paris
The Libertine
A Boy Like Me
Tristan

Act II: From First To Last [in 2006]
Mothersound
The Latest Plague
Populace In Two
World War Me
Note To Self

Act III: Radiohead [in 1995]
The Bends
Paranoid Android
Just
Exit Music (For A Film)
Karma Police
Street Spirit (Fade Out)
--------------
My Iron Lung

Act IV: Taking Back Sunday [in 2004]
Set Phasers To Stun
You Know How I Do
A Decade Under The Influence
Great Romances of the 20th Century (demo version)
Bike Scene
Little Devotional
There’s No ‘I’ In Team
One-Eighty By Summer
Head Club
--------------
Your Own Disaster
Timberwolves At New Jersey
--------------
Cute Without The ‘E’ (Cut From The Team)

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 13:31:01 GMT

THIS LIVEJOURNAL IS NOW FRIENDS ONLY.

I'll be just fine.

Thu, 28 Jul 2005 22:40:45 GMT

i dont know why i feel so hollow all the time, but i dont like it. actually, thats a lie. i dont think im even moved enough by anything anymore to distinguish between like/dislike.

someone who i used to fancy talked to me tonight, and i was so happy. he has a boyfriend and has had one for 6 months. it was nice to be acknowledged though.

i think that my friends are wonderful people, but the fact that they are so amazing only makes me feel shit. i think that i am a horrible person. i mean, im nice and everything, when i want to be, but i think that fundamentally i am an uncaring cunt.

i fool myself into thinking that if i actually had a boyfriend, ie someone to love (reciprocated. ha.) that it would inject some kind of meaning into my life. but then i think that i have my family. i have friends, i think. and that i take everything for granted. at least, im horrible to my family sometimes. but they are idiots a lot of the time. the reason i was fired from my job was because i dared to logically question the word of the manager. challenging authority in your job gets you fired. reasonably challenging authority at home makes you hated.

my nan is really ill and i think she might die. the other day my mum was crying and screaming at me that i dont care about anyone, and that people give so much to me and 'why cant i be considerate to a 91 year old woman who has done so much for me?'. i think she is just upset that her mum is ill. she had a point though. she really did. and i only argued with her because i knew she was right but i didnt want her to realise that i acknowledge that i am horrible, and treat others like shit sometimes. that wouod place her in a position of power.

and i never want to be seen to be weak, ever. one day this is all going to come crashing down.

Sun, 17 Jul 2005 22:47:16 GMT

So on friday night, we all put on our fancy clothes and went by whichever way we could to MAIDSTONE. which is a random town in the depths of kent. i have no idea why they chose a place that is nowhere near the school in which to hold our prom, but they did anyway. hm. i was a bit pissed off during the day. it turned out that i couldnt have the lift from my parents that i had been expecting. it was my punishment for not washing up a frying pan earlier in the week. a pan that i didnt even know that i HAD to wash up. so i was all angst-ridden and stuff. i had to get the bus to claire's in my prom outfit. and it was hot. so i was sweating like a bitch. for one and a half hours on the bus.

but none of that mattered in the end. because it was prom night. except it didnt feel like the 'end of an era' occasion that it's 'meant' to. it just felt like a party with my friends. which was really nice.

me and claire looked the part:

we got there and bitched about the tackyness of the people who actually hired a limosine for the occasion, but we both secretly knew that we would have loved to have rolled up in a stretch limo with blacked-out windows, the driver opening our door and extending his hand, everyone gasping because we looked a million dollars. we felt it, for a moment. then we noticed the lilac balloon arch that had been the subject of so much controversy, and the silver heart balloons. all to lisa cluett's exact specifications.

everyone looked amazing though.

(l-r) claire, sam, candese, genevieve.

susannah looked transcendent. she is beautiful, and her dress was amazing (her aunt made it for her!):

i had spoken to matt h the night before on msn to discover that we were going to be wearing practically the same outfit. but no matter, because he looked the shizzle. oh yes. (i cant think of enough synonymes for 'amazing' or 'glamourous' so i'm resorting to street slang).

me, matt h, alex, matt c. [alex looks like a witch! not in a dirty gothick way, she just looks a bit crazy. woop woop.]

from here, as the night progressed, the photos become more variable in quality (obvious reasons).

Claire and i reached our allocated table in the allocated hall to find that we had been seated with an absolute cunt who goes by the name of joe lettington. he had dropped out in year 11, but despite the fact that he had no friends and was a total twat, he saw it fit to come back to the prom with some faketanned white-trash fag hag dressed in Miss Selfridge. I felt pissed off. i ignored him all evening. despite sitting in betweeen susannah and claire, i had to get away.

so i joined a nearby table who looked as if they were being appropriately rowdy. oh yes it was jdcooper's table:

jack, neringa

laura, me

laurence, jack.

there was a lot of kissage involved.

and then we danced a bit, i danced with random people. i swung round with a few people during 'cotton-eyed joe', i danced to crazy in love at one point, i dont really remember what else... some teachers were there, but i generally avoided them because i think most of them hated me. miss fawcett did talk to me though. for a long time about universities. it was nice though. she said that the teachers went out for dinner the other night and that they were talking about me.

"so am i fairly infamous then?"
"well, just a bit. youre just so sweet with your furry pencil case and youre always smiling!"
ha. at least i leave a legacy.

i think everyone had a good time... there were no emotional goodbyes or anything, everyone just treated it as a fun night out, which was the best way, i think.

genevieve had a great time:

Her elation just shines through.

then we all went back to alex's and i layed on a hammock for a bit. actually, four of us shared a hammock, chatting. i think jack had some lambrini or similar, so i drank some of that. for some reason i ended up getting the 5.30 bus home. but that was okay, it just meant that i had strange sleep patterns for the rest of the weekend. i dont mind though.

in other news, i have read 398 pages of the new Harry Potter book. its very teenage angsty. ron and hermione love each other but neither will admit it. so both end up pulling people that they dont ACTUALLY like and ignoring each other. i keep reading it and imagining 'how they would do this bit' in the films though, which really annoys me. oh and i *heart* the character of Luna Lovegood. She's so bizarre and naive, yet she's really wise. any other Potter-devotees agree? i have such a vivid picture of her in my mind, with huge glasses that make her eyes appear huge, and lank long mousey brown hair, and a 70s style with cord flares or something. i dont remember how she's actually described. i have a tendency for ignoring actual descriptions of a character's physicality when i read, and just inventing it for myself. film interpretations kindof dampen that.

i think my mum might be reading this. she often says to me "i know everything you do on the internet you know". which makes me a bit paranoid. we're not getting on. again. okay i should stop typing now in case she finds this and uses it against me.

ciao <3

Tue, 12 Jul 2005 12:25:13 GMT

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

i just got fired from my job for having an ATTITUDE PROBLEM!

this is the funniest thing that has ever happened to me!

im giddy.

i even fell for that stupid love song

Sun, 10 Jul 2005 23:16:38 GMT

tonight i met alison and christy at south bank. oh but i couldnt go because they had some bullshit meeting at BARRATTS saying "ohmigod the sale starts soon we're gonna have to work extra hard".

so i went after and it was really fun. we went to the beach bit and wrote things in the sand.

alison wrote (i think it was a lyric or something)

1xINFINITY=

i wrote

OUR POTENTIAL

it was emotional. and then we listened to 'bring it all back' by S Club 7 on my ipod and all of a sudden the lyrics made so much SENSE. it was nice though to run around in the sand and recieve mocking looks from passers by. it makes me feel alive. like im doing something worth doing.

to quote Brandy Alexander, "the most boring thing in the world is honesty". honesty leaves no mystery. that's why it is our responsibility, as human beings, to cultivate a personality that keeps others entertained. god watches us like a television programme. flicking between channels. when we bore him we die. that's why we always have to keep pushing the boundaries.

i subscribe to the richey edwards school of nutrition where a bottle of vodka quite happily replaces a day's meals.

We're so trained to do life the right way, to not make mistakes. I figure, the bigger a mistake looks, the better chance i'll have to break out and lead a real life... Not that it's bad being a woman. This might be wonderful if i wanted to be a woman. The point is, being a woman is the last thing i want. it's just the biggest mistake i could think to make. [so it's the path to the greatest discovery.]

- Brandy Alexander (Chuck Palahniuk - Invisible Monsters)

I'm a bit obsessed with this book at the moment.

photobucket.com is not fucking working, otherwise this entry would be beautifully illustrated.

FROM DUSK TO DAWN

Sat, 02 Jul 2005 17:26:21 GMT

Dusk:

Dawn:

on thursday night we all went out to see ladyfuzz. but things were confused greatly by the fact that everyone is crap and cannot stick to plans. so i got a lift to bexleyheath.

P.S. THIS IS BEXLEYHEATH:

so i got a bus to FUCKING BROMLEY and met people. then we went to DENMARK HILL. of all places.

(like omg green day are on tv on live 8. berlin. god that would be sweet.)

so we went to lady fuzz in bethenal green and we were very glamourous and indie. and alison sprained her ankle by tripping over, which seemed really funny at the time, but is really not good, on reflection. ladyfuzz were really cool though. i thought that genevieve went back to the drummer's house, but apparently not. i think she just got his number. even though he is an "e-list indie celebrity", its still exciting, because she is my friend, and hence if she gets laid IT IS MY CONCERN.

we went to the metro afterwards, but christy is only 16. hence they IDed him. so we went to THE ROXY, which was amazingly fun. they played songs which everyone knew (including me!), which was somewhat of an antidote from places that only play 'cool' stuff/ stuff that is 'trendy'. it was really fun. oh and they almost didnt let me in because i looked "too wasted". which was a bit hilarious. but they did, because alison is a girl and they listen to her. so she persuaded them, which was nice of her. and we got in there and just danced and danced.

then we go the nightbus. me and alison were bored so we totally camwhored:

and we got to bexleyheath and were a bit awestruck by the fact that the dawn is beautiful. nature will always be superior to anything madmade. always. I'm arracted by the glamour of london. the fact that its somewhat of an antidote to the place [suburbia] that i live. it has a certain richness to it. like an interwoven tapestry of history, of life. it has a buzz to it. maybe that's because i live in the suburbs, and london is still something of a novelty.

BEYONCE IN PHILADEPHIA! LIVE 8!

okay i totally have to go watch.

take this pink ribbon off my eyes

Wed, 29 Jun 2005 21:43:22 GMT

I work in a typical suburban shopping centre. When you walk through its doors, you step into an air conditioned vacuum…. the cold shiny marble and the angular surfaces are inhuman. Despite all the careful architectural planning to make Bluewater a stylish shopping destination, it is nevertheless artificial. There are people there too. But the place is devoid of empathy. If I used the place as it was meant to be used, as a shopping destination that I could go to every so often, then it would be fun. But as it is, it’s claustrophobic. Like, it’s been really hot weather lately, but Bluewater is like a separate bubble, a whole new world, if you will. That’s why I love to be able to come here in my lunchbreak, and sit on GRASS and actually feel sunlight on your face, and just listen to my music and escape for an hour.

I just think its really nice. I know its all ‘landscaped’ and shit, but I love it. Maybe its just a reaction to the plastic surroundings that im in all day. Because I never used to be like that before. I thrived on the city, on the glamour.

It’s fun, but it has an expiry date.

Maybe im just a country boy at heart. Im really looking foreward to going to the beach at bennicassim though. Obviously im looking forward to the festival in every possible way, but I haven’t felt hot sand between my toes for so long, and I miss it.

But then I always have these romantic visions of how things are going to turn out. They never quite work.

OH MY GOD

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 19:14:02 GMT

full account to follow bitches...

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 00:23:00 GMT

tonight i went to the tollgate in dartford to celebrate genevieve's return home. it was fun i guess. there was a REALLY loud girl there named gemma who came with one of our group. she decided to be my fag hag for the evening. i find girls who love gay people indiscriminately quite annoying. like she had a Millwall tattoo for gods sake. why on earth do you think i would want to talk to you? but talk we did. except we didn tseem to really be talking about much. i mean she was saying words at me, and i was saying words back, but it didnt mean anything thing. i dont suppose i can expect anything more, really. she declared really loudly that she was bisexual. fat girls are always bisexual, i find. a shakira video came on and she said how she would "love to have shakira all over her face". ew.

ive been quite a scenester whore recently. and a bit of a whore in general, which makes me sad. not for any reasons of morality, or how i 'should' act. but. i feel disappointed in myself. saturday night we went to afterskool:

its a really really bad photo of all involved. but i think it captures the drunken mood of reckless abondonment that we all seemed to be feeling. i think that randomly 'pulling' people is fine. but not if they're ugly and old and obsessively text you wanting to meet up. despite you having lied that your name was jacob (crackers i know. (thank you my_machine_leg for the funniest thing i heard all weekend). ew and apparently he texted claire as well saying all the obscene things he wanted to do to me. i really have to set my standards higher. and alison and becky really need to stop encouraging me to be a ho. seriously.

like omgzzzzzzzz bitches i totally have a new job:

becks my new psuedo-emo friend said that i sould pose like that and it would be 'shexual' (thats a myspace term apparently). but my new uniform is ok. it doesnt require too much effort, seeing as its just a barratts tshirt and jeans and trainers. like tonight i was able to convert my uniform into a suitable going-out outfit merely by turning the tshirt inside out and adding a sparkly pink scarf!

omgz bitches. im going with becks to see GREEN DAY on sunday. i am so excited. im gonna be bare tired though, as im going to afterskool the night before and NOT being a slut. wooooop. and taking back sunday are supporting. oh my god. im meant to be going to fabric on friday as well. hm. it sounds kinds fun, but expensive. mia is there. no not bulimia. the wikkid cool rapper M.I.A.

i do quite like life right now. apart from feeling regretful for saturday night. but i will move on. i want to go to Sidcup Threshers. ok it will be closed. damn. all the bitching in Barratts is hilarious. and i love fuelling the fire.

sometimes hedonism makes me feel as if im going to self-desruct. but then i realise there's nothing else. so i get over it. i get through. its the only think i (dont) know how to do.

you wish you were the wind

Fri, 10 Jun 2005 01:31:08 GMT

I waited for a train alone.
The blood didn't want to circulate, but i made it.
There must be hope.
I rubbed my freezing limbs desperately.
I'm still waiting.
Still waiting to be enraptured.
To be swept off my feet

beauty in the breakdown

Mon, 23 May 2005 22:41:07 GMT

tonight i went to see the dog racing at crayford. with old people from faith. it was nostalgic, 'cause i felt as if i was kind of removed from those kinds of people.. i got there and i felt incredibly out of place. people were talking, but i just felt vacant. it was like i was on autopilot. people talking about boys, sex.

so have you met anyone?
um, no.

so i saw claire, michelle, dawn and kelly. it was kelly's birthday and she was already rather drunk by the time we got there. the others stopped for Mcdonalds on the way. food disgusts me. life would be so much better if we just didnt have to EAT. it is a totally unnecessary activity. i mean, we need to eat to survive, but... i just wish we didnt. it is the cause of so much.. unnecessary guilt, paranoia.

i got drunk. because i could. i just realised. tonight i DRUNK, SMOKED and GAMBLED. im so proud of myself.

i say that, but im really not. it all seems superficial. and it is, and i knew that it was while i was doing it. i didnt expect anything more than a momentary hit. a high. im talking as if ive been binging on heroin all night [i havent].

superficial? what the fuck? get over it.

but if you cant obsess about the insignificant things, then what can you obsess about.

Self-disgust is self-obsession honey and I do as I please

i won TWICE on the dogs. the first time i was 79p and the second time i won £1.02. i was so excited. i think i made a spectacle of myself. people were staring. but people always stare.

if people didnt stare at me, i think id get more offended than when they do. i like attention in that respect. i like being able to think 'im better than them'. i like to be able to critique their whole lives in my head by the way they fucking look. i like to be able to assume the nature of their personality based on one throwaway remark.

yeah. im drunk.

Sun, 22 May 2005 23:20:27 GMT

i keep having really vivid dreams lately. especially sex dreams. okay not sex, just 'kissing dreams'. how pathetic does that sound. pathetic in the non-literal sense. im not that indulgent (okay i am. but i dont espect others to indulge me). its probably because i havent been keeping regular sleep patterns. (i love the use of 'to keep' in that sense. my nan always says "how are you keeping?". i think its the most adorable thing ever). like today i slept from 6am-11.30am and 4pm-5.30pm. i have absolutely no reason to adhere to regular sleep patterns any more, school having finished and all that. oh thats a thing. all my exams have finished, as of last wednesday actually. this summer has so many possibilities, and i really intend to have a summer to remember. the more frivolous the better.

last night there were loads of couples kissing on the dance floor. it IS distasteful, just generally. people were kissing really ostentatiously and over-dramatically. there were flailing arms and everything. i told corinna that gay couples disgust me. she laughed.

We went to the Popjustice.com party, which was quite exciting. me, jdcooper, my_machine_leg and corinna. i was absolutely convinced that i wasnt going to get in, but i did. actually, i had resigned myself to the fact that i wouldnt get in. i thought that i may as well go though. i had nothing to lose, apart from the 6 pound or so in train fares. this is why i think all public transport should be free. if we got rid of the army then surely the government would have enough money. more than enough. (nobody argue with me on this, its obvious that i havent thought through the practicalities of it.)

there was a man on the door, but he was occupied with someone else, so we just walked past. (yay). i drank the most expensive drink that i have ever drunk in my life. it cost SIX POUNDS. yes six fucking pounds, for a vodka and diet coke. i made it last for about two hours though. so much for 'cheap booze'. bastards. me and corinna shared spicy potatoes though, which were very nice. jdcooper was saying how much he spent on alcohol. not that night, but friday night, and gennerally i suppose. its true, like i spent 20 quid friday night [vodka, mainly] which is disgusting. its like, do you need to spend £20 in order to become an interesting person, to have fun? sometimes, yes, i do. but most of the time, i think im okay. i get along fine. i dont mind who i am really.

oh there IS something that i always do which really annoys me. when people are talking and i really agree which what they're saying, or i really disagree with it, and i just say nothing. i have what im' going to say all lined up in my head, but i just dont saying anything. it really pisses me off. 'cause its my friends most of the time and i dont know why i cant just speak sometimes. its not that i feel embarassed or modest. i kind of relish in the fact that people dont know what i think about things. at least that's how i rationalise it. i have visions in my head of what kind of a person i am, and i know that theyre completely flawed, i know that i act in a different why to how i would like to act. but i like having private thoughts. in this journal i dont really talk about my daily range of emotions. and i like that. kind of.

Oh and Simon Amstell is my new celebrity best friend. he came up to me last night. okay not me exactly, all of us really. we talked about eurovision, rachel stevens, popworld, kaiser chiefs, the difference between portobella and portobello. im sure there were some other things we talked about as well. but i was slightly heady from the experience. everyone was like "did you know him?!". i didnt, so it was a bit strange that he just started talking to me. what can i say. animal magnetism. but he was 'doing the rounds'. talking to everyone really. sigh.

OH MY GOD there was this really annoying kid there who looked exactly like simon amstell. well he had the same hair. and an ugly pouty face and a short stature and a girls' Smiths tshirt that revealed his claire gap. there were quite a few annoying people there really. some were annoying in that they kept pushing into me, some in that they were rude waiters, some in that they were trying to grope everyone.

i met petrashevist as well and her friend ashleigh. they both seemed really nice, but they went to get the last train because they have jobs and are crap. music was rather good. personal highlights include
HOLLABACK GIRL
TAKE ME OUT
Everything by GIRLS ALOUD (they played NO GOOD ADIVCE, THE SHOW, LOVE MACHINE, SOUND OF THE UNDERGROUND and JUMP. i wouldnt expect anything less from popjustice.)

it was an amazing night though. i had such a good time, despite being quite tired. it was my disco nap that kept me going. nightbus was fun. we met up with people who had been to afterskool - chochotte,shesgotreasons, genevieve, laurence, candese and becky. except geneveive had managed to sprain her ankle through general drunkenness, so chochotte had gone to the hospital with her. she seemed a bit pissed off, and i would have been. bless claire though. she always knows what to do. sense and sensibility rolled into one.

tomorrow i continue with general aimlessness. which is nice, but i tend to feel a bit guilty about 'wasting my time', as my mother would say. i remember a few of years ago i was playing The Sims (i had been playing it continuously for a number of days), and my mother shouted at me that i was wasting my time. i mean, what would she rather i had done? i was 14 and it was the summer holidays! it sounds like a really minor thing, but i was a sensitive boy. and it upset me.

Tue, 10 May 2005 17:50:35 GMT

FRI 3 JUN: STAY BEAUTIFUL featuring DO ME BAD THINGS (live) and THE DEPARTURE (DJs)
live at the Purple Turtle Camden.
Check out Stay Beautiful website for more details
www.staybeautifulclub.co.uk

okay this night will officially be amazing. i thought i was excited BEFORE i found out that Do Me Bad Things and The Departure were gonna be there. but OHMYGOD.

everyone who reads this is automatically invited, obviously. its my eighteenth birthday and it will be the best night ever.

oh and jack you have to come.
selfish cunt + tunbridge wells vs. the departure + do me bad things?

bitch, puh-lease.

for the new world order

Sat, 07 May 2005 22:26:31 GMT

This week, i started my exams. my exams which will determine which university i go to. i think they went quite well on the whole. maths and english. mmmyeah.

i have socialised with genevieve everyday for the past three days, so thats been nice. yesterday she and matthew came round to my to revise classics. they are both better at it than me. matthew called one of my brother's friends 'an ugly child'. my mother wasnt pleased. shes alwasy hated matthew though. i was a bit annoyed at him. because it was quite a rude thing to do. even in jest.

MOTHER: " I BET you'd have something to say if i called one of your friends ugly!

[presumption presumption]

so now i blame genevieve for my nicotine cravings. because she FORCED me to smoke her cigarettes. and so hier soir ( OH MY GOD I CANT SPELL HIER. IS IT HIER OR HEIR? if i misspellled hier/heir in my imminent french exam im sure that they would just automatically fail me. i think it's hier. heir is some kind of nazi title isnt it? heir Himmler? or is that 'herr'...... i so should have just googled it, hence not looking like an idiot. but as it is, i look like an idiot. obviously. )

so, YESTERDAY NIGHT, i went round genevieves house. louise was there alison and ben came. so it was nice. ben is really sweet and we chatted about nothinginparticular when everyone else took louise the station. [in retrospect, we should have probably gone with them, us being boys and them being girls 'n' all. but genievieve is probably more intimidating than either me or ben. actually, thinking about it, girl pikeys will beat up boys or girls, but boy pikeys will only beat up boys. its about pride, innit. so they were better off without us.] we watch Y Tu Mama Tambien, which i've vaguely wanted to see for quite a while. i think i assume that all foreign films will be 'arty', and this wasnt really. no, thats unfair. [actually i dont really know what 'arty' means.. artfully shot?] well, it was well shot; the scenery was beautiful, it made me want to rununtilithurts. the story was that two young mexicans [best friends] meet an 'older' woman, and they go on a road trip to the beach. the woman fucks them both, causing tensions between the two. and then the two boys kiss. well the woman was getting off with one of them, and then the other one joined in, so the woman was giving him head. and then the two boys kiss. the kiss seemed a bit gratuitious, really. i mean, the boys were hot and all, and it was nice to see them kiss, but it seemed superfluous to the plot, and the film made a really big deal about it as well. like, "hotboy1 and hotboy2 stopped seeing each other after that night". i mean, if youre having a threesome, you're going to 'interact' with both parties, surely? isnt that the point? it was probably just the innacuracies of the translation, but the voiceover seemed to imply that the 'best friends' were secretly in love with each other. which didnt really seem to be the case at all. oh dear [overanalysis].

tonight i watched the 'love story' bit of titanic. the bit after the drawn-out bit about the old lady going to the boat, and before the ship hits the iceberg. i really like Kate Winslet's character, Rose. she is a porcelain beauty. she plays the character well, the character of someone trapped [thinking they're trapped]. 'suddenly i could see my whole life mapped out in front of me: and endless charade of cocktail parties, polo events...the same people the same mindless topics of conversation'. i like her character, for her life, her willingness to abandon what is mapped out for her.

melodramatically, i felt like i empathised with her. but im not like that. i used to think i was, trapped, by what people (parents mainly) expected. like why was i still at that school. i think a lot of it had to do with that school, my general outlook. it was such a stifling environment - yes, because of the many rules and regulations and strictness etc, but also it was the routine which was killing me. a lot of the time i just felt like there was no way out. im much happier now. its not like my life is now perfect or anything, but its relatively good. im filled with such anticipation about the future. just life generally, its all out there, its all waiting. in 10 days i will have completed my exams, and whether ive got into Sussex will just be something i cant do anything about. im looking forward to that feeling. but right now i have to do as well as i can in these exams. because i can either actually do some work, or i can spend my time on the internet and listening to music and burining pieces of paper in my room. because i have a whole carefree summer for that. right now, im in control (up to a point) of how well i do, and what my future is. i have to learn. i have to learn entire syllabuses. but i can, and i hope i can. MIDDAY 18TH MAY.

What do people really think about you? by Raven319
Name
Age
favorite song
Parents think	You're lazy
Strangers think	You're gay
Friends think	You're wonderful

Quiz created with MemeGen!

i cant help thinking that all these songs would mean so much more if i had been jilted by a lover.

MY MOTHER

Fri, 29 Apr 2005 09:53:09 GMT

I wont go into it, but OH MY GOD.

Bit by a vampire

Tue, 19 Apr 2005 20:31:26 GMT

when did nonsensical lyrics become such a trend? I was confused by the strange lyrics to Laika by the arcade fire. so today claire and I took matters into our own hands.
Our mother shoulda just named you Laika!
Apparently, "Laika" was the name of the first dog in space. Why compare someone to a space-going dog. it's a nice thought though. emotional detactchment, maybe. or not.

Coldplay's new single sounds like they've been let loose with the 'Ambient' sound effects. its 'good' and all. actually i quite like it. me and everyone else in the country. serious. it must be such a powerful feeling to be in a band so ubiquitous.

my prom concept is androgynygutterglitterdiscofuck. me and chochotte need to go makeup shopping.

Sun, 17 Apr 2005 18:31:14 GMT

OH MY GOD. I'm in UrbanDictionary. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=owen&r=f

1. owen

Someone with an incomprehensible last name that nobody is capable of spelling.

Believes he is extremely sexy and attractive, but is denying himself the truth, anyone who is asked will say yes due to fear that the owen in question will commit suicide, or just go off and get high.

Usually owens are high on something that has not been identified, it is obvius that owen does not use drugs, so for now, our hypothesis for what owen is high on is either air, or gods love.

Owen can be pictured saying just about anything, including 'No i wont' go into the swamp alone, it's too dangerous'

"Even owen won't go into the swamp alone, 'too dangerous' he says"

"Sharifah, is owen hot?"
"Owen...?......Of course..."

I'M A INTERNET CELEBRITY. this is big.

After two drinks he's a loser after three drinks he's a star

Tue, 12 Apr 2005 22:48:28 GMT

When did humanity get to be so fucked up?

i know I'm not orginal, and i know im not saying anything new, but i just feel that humans as a species are twisted. sin for sin's sake.

disconnection.

in unrelated news, my mum bought me The Bravery album. it is good, but im kind of over them. already. i think i was 'over them' 2 months ago. haha. something always has to be "youngfreshandnew" to impress. has to be instant and immediate. or i get bored. and revert to another identity crisis. i cant stay in the same place for too long, or i get cabin fever and start scratching at the walls. searching for stimulus and reaching for the nearest thing to make you feel something. to check that youre [human after all].

it's strange, i dont have an issue with self-classification, not really. people can make their own minds up. just, self-discovery maybe.maybe its to be expected but surely i should have gotten over the self-doubt, self-pity by now.

why do they only want you when you're seventeen? is it because
you have soft nubile flesh
youre emotions are easily wrought
you know what you want but dont know how to get it
hard exterior but hollow interior
old enough to know better, but too disillusioned to care
a GOOD FUCK?

-Oh wait-

Fri, 08 Apr 2005 17:48:32 GMT

...Except you don't.

09362-46847-25

Fri, 08 Apr 2005 17:47:08 GMT

No one night stand, no far off land, no drug that i can spark

Children killing children while the students rape their teachers

Quicker than a ray of light

girlboygirlboygirlboy

kiss me i'm dying

Nobody wins

Hold on to the light

Pacify loss of consciousness from the poison of existence

You're broken

There's no one at all to break my fall

You breathe new life into my broken heart

I smelt her burning flesh, her rotting bones, her decay. I ran and i ran. I'm still running today.

new-dawn-fades

Sat, 26 Mar 2005 13:23:55 GMT

GUESS WHAT EVERYONE!

THE GENERAL PUBLIC ARE ALL IGNORANT FUCKTARDS!

Last night i was on the train, on my way out. i was in a carriage with one other person in it. a middle aged lady. and two pikeys came and sat by me. i ignored them and read the guardian that i had found. and they started talking to me. i dont get why they do that. theyre so pointless.
- Oi watchu readin?
-*shows front of paper*
- Are you a boy?
-NO.
- haha! jokes init blud!
-*ugh*
so it transpired that they wanted my money. they kept touching me, trying to find my wallet. i think that the fact i didnt actually have a wallet confused them. all i had was about 8 pound in loose change in my pocket. and then they came really really close to me. and i thought i was going to be stabbed. seriously. they could have done so easily. and then one of them called someone on his phone to come and "beat me". ha. oh but then they had to get off at New Eltham to meet their slags. but not before one of them got out his video phone, and videoed the other one hitting me across the face. it hurt. i guess thatll be their eveings entertainment, showing all their friends how they beat some queer.

HA HA! AT LEAST YOU DIDNT RUIN MY MAKEUP! FUCKERS.

the rest of the night was nice. i got very drunk at ku bar, tom kept buying my sambuca shots. then we got on the tube, and i poledanced with the rail thing that youre meant to hold onto. the passengers were LOVING IT. they couldnt get enough. popstarz was fun. i was absolutely exhausted, having got up at 9 to revise. but i still danced my socks off. best songs -
SPICE GIRLS - SPICE UP YOUR LIFE
MADONNA - LIKE A PRAYER
GWEN STEFANI - WHAT YOU WAITING FOR?
tom was annoying. he kept TOUCHING me ew. and he cant dance. he uses too much elbow and not enough hip. we stayed till 4 and walked to waterloo, getting things shouted at us by random passers by. and cars. we got our respective first trains home.

I always find the journey home depressing. whenever i come back from anywhere. i had to walk back from crayford station. its only a half hour walk. but it was so so cold.

i suppose i shouldnt be surprised at the general public's usual reaction to me. last night in particular, i suppose i did look kinda 'gay'. but im not going to change. no matter how many times im nearly stabbed, or nearly beaten up, or how many times people shout/throw things out of car windows. i am myself, and the way that i dress and the way i act reflect that. i dont go through life living a pretence. and so many people do. so many people. so fuck you. id rather be anything but ordinary.

Wed, 16 Mar 2005 18:12:38 GMT

Today, someone told me that i always use words they don't understand. for a moment, i felt like an arrogant cunt.

then i realised, i'd rather be an arrogant cunt than a boring nobody.

my university offers are realy random and make me confused. i dont mind where i go, but i dont know which of these is higher, and which id be more likely to get:
32, 7 in english - manchester
36, 6 in english - birmingham
18 in highers. - sussex
i dont get it. 32 is a low offer, but they just randomly ask for a 7 -sigh-.

today was a really nice day.

Mon, 21 Feb 2005 19:51:57 GMT

okay this isnt even funny. i wrote a really long post about an interesting topic. i pressed backspace and the whole thing was deleted. i just wrote another slightly shorter post bitching about lj and saying how snow today made me happy. now im just bitching. thats really upset me. i liked those words.